The Politically Correct Audit
by Lyaka
Summary: The political correctness police descend upon Garden. Clearly, no good can come of this... warning: contains insanity
1. The Phantom Correctness

------------------------------------  
The Politically Correct Audit  
------------------------------------  
a Lyakahime ^^ production  
------------------------------------  
The Phantom Correctness  
------------------------------------  
  
  
It was a dark and stormy night.  
  
  
Xu: [scowl] "No *way* you are starting this like *that*."  
  
  
*ahem* I *said* it was a dark and stormy night.  
  
  
Xu: "Well if that's how you're gonna be..." [pulls out a lawyer]  
  
  
Lawyer: [slimy smile] "I'm afraid that this opening is unacceptable. Quite politically incorrect. For starters, the use of the word 'dark'.."  
  
  
Okay! Okay! I'll change it!  
  
  
Xu: :) "I knew you'd see it my way."  
  
  
*mutters* I'm the author here; how come I have to be sujected to this?  
  
  
Xu: [raised eyebrow] "You picked the topic. Now start the fic. You're wasting time."  
  
  
Fine.  
  
  
It was a bright and sunny morning.  
  
  
Happy?  
  
  
Xu: "Perfectly."  
  
  
So, like I said, it was a bright and sunny morning in Balamb. Nothing unusual was happening. Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, an enormous metal structure was defying the laws of gravity, and albino Moombas were dancing in the streets.  
  
  
Xu: "Albino Moombas."  
  
  
Yes, albino Moombas.  
  
  
No sooner had the large metal structure floated gracefully over to its landing pad, lowered down carefully, and fallen the last hundred meters or so with the grace of a rock than a black, shadowy, fiery ship came and docked with the Garden (for such it was). Satanic music was playing, goths rejoiced in the streets, and Lucifer seemed to be having a conversation with Akio on the bridge.  
  
  
Did I mention just how evil this ship appears?  
  
  
Xu: "Yes, several times."  
  
  
Quiet, you.  
  
  
As this ship docked, Commander Leonhart was in his office. And what was he doing in his office, you ask? He was upholding the dignity of his position and working diligently at the job entrusted to him by young, impressionable SeeD candidates.  
  
  
Rinoa: [glazed eyes] "Oooh, Squall, YES! Oh, do it *there*... Hyne... yeah, baby, do it again..."  
  
  
Xu: *significant cough* "I belive this fic is rated PG..."  
  
  
Squall grinned at his girlfriend and signed his name on yet another dotted line, this one approving the request for the creation of a new weapon... the whipchaku. "Do you like that, Rinny?"  
  
  
Suddenly, with no prior warning [unless you count the memo, submitted two weeks ago, that Squall had promptly forgotten about], the door burst open and in strode...   
  
  
Zell: o.O "Squall! You traitor! You were supposed to be signing boring paperwork with *me*! *Me*! Oh, what a world..." *bursts into tears*  
  
  
Rinoa stood up. An aura of indefinable power began to grow around her. She pointed one sorceress-like finger at Zell.  
  
Then bashed him over the head with the empty whiskey bottle sitting mysteriously on Squall's desk.  
  
Needless to say, Zell was out like a light.  
  
Unfortunately, there was someone behind him.  
  
"Charachter abuse," one remarked to another. Both wore deathlike black suits, ominously starched white shirts, evil-looking black earpieces... and psychadelic ties. With smiley faces. "Make a note of that."  
  
The second one nodded and scribbled furiously. "Charachter abuse, check," he said, then glanced up abruptly. "And is that a whiskey bottle?"  
  
"Looks like it," the other guy said, shaking his head mournfully. "Underage drinking, mark that down too..."  
  
Squall stood up abruptly, dumping Rinoa off his lap.  
  
  
Xu: "And just what was Rinoa doing on his lap?"  
  
  
*innocent look* Nothing.  
  
  
At any rate, Squall stood up and put on his best 'I'm in charge here and you better believe it because I saved the world from an evil sorceress and I'm dangerous and do you think these pants make me look fat?' look, which differed only slightly from his 'I'm a total wuss please give me a beating and do these pants make me look like a two-cent ho because that's really Rinoa's thing not mine' look. It was rumored that only Seifer could tell the difference. Then he demanded "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Game audit," one of the black-clad figures tossed off, lifting up a lawnmower that was pushed into the corner of Squall's office. "It's been five years since your game was released; you're due for a PC checkup."  
  
  
Xu: "Why is there a lawnmower in Squall's office?"  
  
  
) How else did you think Rinoa manages to shave her legs?  
  
  
Xu: [wince] "Oooh. That was bad."  
  
  
^^ thank you.  
  
  
"What's a PC checkup?" Squall asked skeptically.  
  
One of the black-clad men looked up from the circut board he was inspecting. "Political correctness," he said, as if it was obvious. "We're the political correctness police. We're on PCP."  
  
  
Xu: "What did I tell you about this fic being PG?"  
  
  
"You're... on drugs?" Rinoa asked.  
  
"No, that's the name of our ship," PCP #1 said haughtily. "It shares its name with our department. Let's begin, shall we? I'm Agent Smith, and this is Agent Burns."  
  
Squall stared at the nearly bald, hunchbacked man who was still hunched over the circut panel. Then, abruptly, he felt a large *thump*. "So that's what this panel does," said Agent Burns said, remarkably innocently for one who was grinning so evilly. "Fascinating. Does that only happen if you press all the buttons?"   
  
Squall freaked. "What the hell do you mean, you pressed all the buttons?!?" he yelled.  
  
Agent Smith frowned. "What happens when you press all the buttons?"  
  
Squall shook his head, eyes distorted with fear. "When you press all the buttons... you unleash the most horrible, most terrifying, most awful thing to exist!"  
  
Smith stared at him... at least, we assume he did, even though we can't really see his eyes behind those utterly creepy black sunglasses he wore. "Why would you have such a thing?"  
  
Squall grinned weakly. "Um... self-defense?"  
  
  
[meanwhile, in the Infirmary...]  
  
  
Random Student #1: x.x "Oh, it was horrible! I didn't want to read it... but it sucked me in! Oh the wrongness... alas, my virgin eyes... doctor, you've gotta help me!"  
  
  
Kadowaki: ( "I'm a doctor, not a beta reader."  
  
  
[anyway...]  
  
  
Xu: "Just what was that, anyway?"  
  
  
) A Saifuu lemon.  
  
  
Xu: [eyebrow twitch] "You're evil. There's no other word for you. Just... evil."  
  
  
^^v Thank you.  
  
  
[back in the office...]  
  
  
Agent Smith didn't look frightened, because he was far too evil-looking to appear frightened, but he managed to appear mildly annoyed. "At any rate," he said pointedly, "if you're done terrorizing the poplace, perhaps we can get started." He paused, then strode over to the pile of whipchakus sitting on Squall's desk. They were different shapes and sizes, as the weapons makers had been trying to find what worked. It was hard to tell due to the creepy black sunglasses, but it appeared as if Agent Smith's eyebrow had twitched. "Are those... real?" he asked, a hint of incredulity sneaking into that deadpan voice.  
  
"Yes, they're weapons," Squall said, secretly planning to practice that impassive voice. His 'whatever' voice was starting to wear a bit thin from overuse.  
  
Agent Burns gasped. Agent Smith shook his head. "That's going to hurt you on your evaluation," he reprimanded. "Weapons are most definitly *not* politically correct. I'd better not see any more of those around here." He frowned and pointed to the length of metal hanging at Squall's side. "Is that a gunblade?"  
  
"Gunblade?" Squall laughed nervously. "What gunblade?" Surretipously detaching Lionheart, he tried to pass it off to his girlfriend. "Rin, would you... Rinny? Hey, where'd she go?"  
  
  
Xu: "Just where *did* she go?"  
  
  
Um... plot hole?  
  
  
Xu: [rolls eyes] "Real nice."  
  
  
Squall smiled nervously, quickly dropping the weapon under his desk. "Well then..."  
  
The two Agents shook their heads in unison. "The first thing we require is to see the results of your last Annual PCP Competency Exam," Smith stated. "Your instructor should have it."  
  
"Um... okay," Squall said. He didn't really understand what was going on, but his natural wussiness kept him from saying anything.  
  
  
Xu: "Is it possible for you to write a fic *without* insulting people every other line?"  
  
  
Of course. Just read ~Hourglass~.  
  
  
Xu: "Oh and that was in *no* way a shameless plug."  
  
  
Agent Smith waved his hand and he and Squall reappeared in front of a familiar second floor classroom. "I believe Instuctor Trepe's Advanced GFs class should have let out a few minutes ago."  
  
Squall stared. "How did you do that? How did you know who my instructor was? How did you know where her classroom is?"  
  
  
Agent Smith: [deadpad] "As you can see, we've been watching you for some time... Mr. Anderson."  
  
  
Squall: [confused... hey it doesn't take much!] "My name's not Anderson. It's Leonhart... or maybe it's Loire... or it might even have been Heartilly... I never *did* find out what happened there..."  
  
  
"Can I help you?" Quistis had stepped out of her classroom, curious as to what all the ruckus was about.  
  
"Yes ma'am," Agent Smith said, turning to her. "I'm Agent Smith, here with Agent Burns. We're from the department that liscences, manages and enforces political correctness in this time era."  
  
Quistis stared. "Is this a prank? Are you here to make fun of me?"  
  
  
Smith: [deadpan] "No ma'am, we on PCP do not have a sense of humor that we are aware of. May we come in?"  
  
  
A moment later Agent Smith and Squall were seated at desks in the classroom. Quistis stood behind her desk.  
  
  
Quistis: [with glasses!] "All right, class, this is the GF Shiva. Her element is ice and her name is a reference to the Hindu god of destruction. Treat her with the same respect I deserve and you'll be just fine. Now everyone pass up your homework... yes, Squall, what is it?"  
  
  
Squall: [dejected] "Rinoa's dog ate my homework."  
  
  
Quistis: [Miss Piggy voice] "Rinoa, Rinoa, Rinoa! That's all I ever hear about! Why couldn't it have been *me*? *Me!!!*"   
  
  
Agent Smith was busily making notes. "Do you mean to tell me that you don't have a boyfriend?" he asked.  
  
Quistis teared up. "N-no!" she cried, sobbing.  
  
Agent Smith frowned. Yes, the master of impassivity, the king of deadpan, the father of all poker faces and the man who was rumored to have taught Squall the meaning of '...whatever' actually *frowned*.  
  
Clearly, no good could come of this.  
  
"That has to be the most politically incorrect thing I have ever heard!" he declared firmly. "First of all, you have the *female* instructor, a negative comment on gender roles if I have ever seen one. Second, she doesn't have a boyfriend! Such a drastic and un-PC commentary on women in the workplace I have never seen in all my days." He seemed positively slightly irked.  
  
Quistis looked up. "So you're going to get me a boyfriend?" she asked hopefully.  
  
"Of course I will," stated Agent Smith, his usual deadpan-ness back in force. "Otherwise you will never pass your PCP checkup."  
  
  
Quistis: [confused] "But I don't do drugs. It's against my perfect-little-instructor image."  
  
  
Agent Smith's eyebrow twitched again as he pulled out a bright pink walkie-talkie. "Agent Burns?"  
  
A crackle of static spat from the machine, along with several beeps, a few hisses, and what sounded suspiciously like the mating call of the yellow-bellied tattoed tae kwan bird [scientific name, /zellus wussius in chikinus/].  
  
Agent Smith nodded. "Excellent. Meet us in the basement." And he signed off.  
  
Quistis blinked. "The basement? What's in the basement?"  
  
Squall groaned. "Oh no..."  
  
Agent Smith waved his hand.  
  
Green code filled the room. A hole appeared in the wall. A subway train approached.  
  
  
Smith: ^^;; "Ooops, wrong audit."  
  
  
And a moment later they were in the basement of Garden.  
  
Of course... it looked a little different from when Quistis had last been here.  
  
For starters, she didn't remember there being a tiled dance floor. She was fairly certain that loud disco music had *not* been playing last time. And, having had to fight NORG, she was positive that he hadn't been hanging from the ceiling, his orbs and pod flashing through three different colors of strobe lighting.  
  
Agent Smith nodded in statisfaction. "Quite nice, especially in such a small space," he approved.  
  
Quistis gave Squall a Look, ignoring several platform-wearing, afro-sporting Trepies who were trying to lure her out on the dance floor, where they could dance to the beat of 'Jailhouse Rock', currently being doinked out by Tony Tonberry and his Tonbettes.  
  
  
Squall: [shouting] "The King is dead! Live with it!"  
  
  
Agent Smith: "No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home."  
  
  
"Squall?" Quistis asked pointedly. "Why is there a disco club in the basement?"  
  
Squall shrugged indifferently. "Because the swimming pool didn't fit?"  
  
Agent Burns chose that moment to enter, dragging another person in tow. He grinned evilly and laced his fingertips together. "Excellent," he purred.  
  
Smith glanced over. "Ah, I see you've brought the primary candidate I requested."  
  
"Yes indeed, sir. He should be perfect. He's sarcastic, arrogant and evil young man. Perfect for an ice goddess, as you've described Miss Trepe."  
  
Quistis was too busy staring at the guy in tow. Grey trenchcoat. Fire crosses. Scar. Arrogant smirk. Blone hair. Hyperion.  
  
Smith frowned. "Is that a gunblade?"  
  
Seifer started. "Yeah, it--"  
  
"No it's not!" Squall interrupted frantically. He turned to Seifer and made slashing motions over his throat. "Ix-nay on the unblade-gay!"  
  
Seifer grinned and whipped out Hyperion, misinterpreting Squall's gesture as an invitation to give him another scar. "Well, if you insist..."  
  
Suddenly a voice boomed throughout the club.  
  
  
Voice: ) "Did someone say.... gay?"  
  
  
Squall slapped his forehead. "Oh no... it's Tuesday. It *would* have to be Tuesday..."  
  
Quistis frowned. "What happens on Tuesday?"  
  
Squall simply moaned from where his head was buried in his arms.  
  
  
Voice: ) "It's time to pah-tay!"  
  
  
As if by magic, the club changed. The strobe lights all turned blood-red. The tile was replaced by foam padding. Nude pictures suddenly covered the walls. Numerous chains and whips were rolled out, along with one very nasty-looking Victorian Cross.  
  
  
Xu: o.O "Woah, woah! Stop the fic. This goes *way* beyond the PG rating! Waaaay beyond!"  
  
  
But it's part of the contest! Look, right under 'places'. 'Gay bar.'  
  
  
Smith: "Oh, so you're assuming all homosexuals are sadomasochistic freaks?"  
  
  
*backtracking hastily* Wait a second, I didn't say that...  
  
  
Smith: "Looks awfully like it to me."  
  
  
We can fix that! Yes! Um... the strobe lights turned fluffy pink! Barney pictures appeared on the walls! Numerous marshmellows and whipped cream were rolled out, along with one very friendly-looking Easter Bunny!  
  
  
Smith: [raised eyebrow]: "Oh that's *much* better. Now instead of being sadomasochistic freaks, all homosexuals are effeminate, wussy and two-year-olds emotionally."  
  
  
*sigh* Everything turned back to the way it had been, except now only same-gender couples were dancing.  
  
  
Smith: "Much better."  
  
  
*rolls eyes* Glad you approve.  
  
Speaking of emotional two-year-olds...  
  
  
"Squall!" Zell shouted gleefully, flinging patrons across the room in his rush to get to the brunette. "I knew you'd come!"  
  
  
Squall: o.O  
  
  
Agent Smith coughed. "Poltically correct as having a gay bar is, I doubt this is a good spot to pursue our cupidic mission. Perhaps we should go elsewhere?" He turned around and promptly eyebrow twitched upon discovering that his companions had already beaten a retreat. "That's not very politicaly correct of you, you know..."  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
^^v so how's it going to far? Not much mushy Seiftis-y goodness yet, but never fear, it's well on the way! Tune in next chapter where you get to see Squall in a goth costume and Irvine finally meeting someone who gets around more than he does... till then! Review me and tell me just how evil I am!   
  
  
Lyaka ^^ 


	2. Attack of the Cliches!

Wai! More insanity! More randomness! More Seiftis-cliche mocking! Yes, for your laughing pleasure, the politically correct audit continues! Please keep your hands and feet inside the Garden, don't feed the muse, deposit all monsters in the appropriate Lunar Cries and click the review button on your way out. Thank you!  
  
--------------------------------  
The Poltically Correct Audit  
--------------------------------  
a Lyakahime ^^ production  
--------------------------------  
Attack of the cliches!  
--------------------------------  
  
  
Agent Smith was not having a very good day so far.   
  
Oh, it had started out well. He had woken up on his usual hard, uncomfortable bed of nails (he'd just had it replaced and they were nice and sharp), he'd put on his favorite hallucination-inducing tie, and he'd even gotten to spend some quality time with Akio.  
  
  
Xu: *cough*  
  
  
But after that, his day had shot right down the proverbial tube. He'd only had one audit scheduled, but it turned out to be a doozy. From the looks of things it was a miracle anyone in Balamb Garden even knew what the term 'politically correct' meant.  
  
In order to get this Garden to pass muster, there had to be some changes. The first of which being to resolve the extremely un-PC gender issues. Fortunately, the solution was simple-- hook up the female Instructor. Unfortunately, the most PC male was nowhere to be found. Neither, for that matter, was the Instructor.  
  
Agent Smith walked into the upteenth store in Balamb. This store appeared to sell computers. Lots and lots of computers. Computers that could be infected with viruses. Computers that could be hacked into. Computers that could be used to display...  
  
  
Xu: *cough*  
  
  
...politically correct information.  
  
Agent Smith loved computers.  
  
When, twenty minutes later, the clerk had returned from his break, Smith was just standing up after attending to the last computer in the store.  
  
The clerk looked at him suspiciously. "What were you doing to those?" He went over to the store computer that held the stats for all the other computers in the store and flipped it on.  
  
A minute later the virus Smith had planted onto the server (after he had hacked it) came to life and crashed all the computers in the store.  
  
Literally, that is. A moment later nothing was left except dust, scattered circut boards and one last, forlorn diskette.  
  
The clerk stared. "Hyne, what the hell did you do to my room?"  
  
Smith nodded at the young man. "No charge."  
  
The clerk (who was also the owner) stared at the wreckage before bursting into tears. "Now how can I sell computers?" he wailed.  
  
Smith cocked his head. "I suppose you don't sell computers anymore," he decided at last, striding out.  
  
The owner sobbed behind him.  
  
Smith smiled. His day was looking up.  
  
  
[meanwhile...]  
  
  
"Seifer, do you think this nail polish goes with my outfit?" Quistis asked, blowing on the sixth coat she'd applied. Purple, green, blue, silver, and neon pink had all been rejected as fatally clashing. Now she was down to the last color: black.  
  
Seifer mumbled something intelligable from where he lay on the floor. Several medics were zapping him with electricity, a few bystanders were frantically casting Curagas, and a coroner was waiting. He'd collapsed after the third shade of nail polish. The battle for his life against the deadly cooties had gone swiftly downhill from there.  
  
"Ah, there you are!" Agent Burns said in his usual dead-voiced peppy way. He paused next to the congregation of bystanders where a priest was leading the crowd in prayer for Seifer's recently departed soul. Akio was hovering, grinning, on the sidelines, waiting to claim it.   
  
Burns sighed and dropped a Phoenix Down on the blonde gunblader. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out...  
  
  
Burns: [eyebrow twitch] "A... noisy cricket?"  
  
  
Hastily tossing away the embarrasment to weaponry everywhere, he tried again. This time he managed to yank from his pocket... X-ATM809.  
  
  
X-ATM809: )  
  
  
Quisty's nail polish: [dust]  
  
  
"All right, then!" Burns stated, still in that peppy dead voice. "Let's get you two romantically involved, shall we?"  
  
Seifer stared at the agent in utter disbelief. "You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me."  
  
Quistis wasn't paying attention, being too busy modeling her new black platform shoes (on sale for 900 gil at the store across the street, one day only).  
  
Burns merely smiled his I'm-mysterious-and-did-you-notice-how-badass-I-look? smile. He then produced a loooong scroll from his other pocket. The end of the scroll dropped to the ground and proceeded to unroll itself. Soon the white paper vanished over the horizon, still merrily churning itself out.  
  
Seifer looked impressed. "What *is* that? A list of all the canonical inaccuracies and contradictions in FFVIII?"  
  
Burns shook his head. "More blindingly obvious."  
  
Even Quistis was paying attention now. "A description of every single spell in the game and their effects as they vary on the level of the caster and the castee?"  
  
Burns contented himself with a 30%-evil grin. "Even more tediously overdone."  
  
Seifer's eyebrow twitched. "It couldn't be... an explanation of the junctioning system?" he yelped.  
  
Burns shook his head in triumph. "A thousand times longer."  
  
Quistis shook her head, wide-eyed. "What, then?"  
  
  
Burns: ) "A list of every single Seiftis cliche in existance."  
  
  
Xu: [wince] "There's not that much paper in the world."  
  
  
Seifer and Quistis merely stared in awe, slack-jawed. "I think that's even longer than the Quall cliche list," Quistis managed to whisper in amazement.  
  
Seifer nodded in astounded agreement. "The Squeifer cliche list has *nothing* on that."  
  
Burns smiled in a very self-satisfied way. "Now then... let's use our extremely sophisticated, highly complicated, tax-dollar funded selection methods to pick a tried-and-true cliche." He then proceeded to close his eyes and jab his finger randomly on the paper.  
  
Seifer groaned. "I am never filing a 1040 form again."  
  
Burns opened his eyes. "Silence, mortal," he commanded. Then, gesturing to a hapless techie standing to the side, he called, "Cue the marauding T-Rexaur!"  
  
Whereupon enter Angelo.  
  
  
Angelo: [trying his best to look intimidating with a paper T-rexaur uniform taped to him] "Growl! Bark bark bark!"  
  
  
Quistis covered her mouth with her hand and shook with silent laughter. Seifer developed a facial tic.  
  
Burns frowned. Evilly, of course. "This will most certainly not do."  
  
  
Burns: ) [with bright pink walkie-talkie!] "Smithers... release the hounds."  
  
  
Angelo: o.O  
  
  
Bloodthirsty raging hounds: )  
  
  
Whereupon exit Angelo.  
  
Burns sighed and shook his head. "If only Smith were here," he sighed. "No one manages to be quite as evil as Smith."  
  
Whereupon enter Smith.  
  
How? Why?  
  
  
Xu: "Plot contrivance?"  
  
  
^^v You know me too well.  
  
  
Smith took the list out of Burns' hands and shook his head-- evilly, of course. "I think a little more planning is in order," he said.  
  
  
[Cue the elementary school auditorium!]  
  
  
Quistis: [on-stage with script] "I'm so depressed over Squall. I think I'll burst into tears and attempt suicide. Why don't I take a walk in the monster-infested woods without my whip or any spells."  
  
  
[Quistis walks over to the part of the stage with a forest backdrop.]  
  
  
Smith: [sotto voce] "Cue the T-Rexaur!"  
  
  
T-Rexaur: *GROWL*  
  
  
Quistis: [monotone] "Oh, no. A T-Rexaur. And I have no way to protect myself. [yawn] If only a big, strong man withagundbladetrenchcoatscarsmirkandacockyattitude [said really fast] would come and save me."  
  
  
Seifer: [squinting at his script] "Fear not, Quoit! I will shave you!"  
  
  
Xu: [snicker] "If he doesn't stop waving that gunblade around, he just might."  
  
  
Smith: [irate] "CUT! Now I want to see that done again, from the top, with a little more feeling this time! And Seifer, for Hyne's sake get your lines right!"  
  
  
[Take two!]  
  
  
Quistis: [about as emotional as a sedated computer]: "I'm so depressed over Squall. I think I'll burst into tears and attempt suicide. Why don't I take a walk in the monster-infested woods without my whip or any spells."  
  
  
[Quistis walks over to the part of the stage with a forest backdrop... again]  
  
  
Smith: [v-sign] "Cue the T-Rexaur!"  
  
  
T-Rexaur: *SNARL*  
  
  
Quistis: [monotone] "Oh, no. A T-Rexaur. And I have no way to protect myself. [yawn] If only a big, strong man with a gundblade, trenchcoat, scar, smirk, and a cocky attitude would come and save me."  
  
  
Zell: [in the audience] "She doesn't ask for much, does she?"  
  
  
Selphie: "Shut up and pass the popcorn."  
  
  
Seifer: [dramatic entrance] "Fear not, Quistis! I will SAVE you!"  
  
  
Squall: [um... what am I doing here?] "No... I will save you."  
  
  
Quistis: [bored] "Oh, Squall. You really do care."   
  
  
Squall: "Does this black nail polish go with my outfit?"  
  
  
Quistis: [critical look] "It says 'goth'."  
  
  
Squall: "That's the point."  
  
  
Quistis: ^^v "Then it looks good!"  
  
  
Smith: [tapping foot] "Can we move on here?"  
  
  
Squall: "...whatever."  
  
  
Seifer: [overacting, as usual]: "No! I've loved Quistis since... since..." [squints at script] "Line please!"  
  
  
Burns: "'since we were kids at the orphanage!'"  
  
  
Seifer: [thumbs-up!] "What he said! She's my pneumatic cream!"  
  
  
Smith: [groans] "Do you need glasses or something?"  
  
  
Seifer: [undaunted] "I mean, my romantic dream! Yes! Even when I went over to Ultimecia and tried to kill you all, take over the world and compress time all for my own personal gain and to stroke my already massive ego I was still madly in lust with her!"  
  
  
Squall: "Um... I think you mean 'love'."  
  
  
Seifer: ) "No, I mean lust. Trust me."  
  
  
Miki: "Eep."  
  
  
Seifer: [striking a manly hero-esque pose!] "And now I shall shave you! I mean... save you!"  
  
  
[Cue the dramatic fight scene! Angelo bites the dust. Rinoa haters everywhere rejoice.]  
  
  
Rinoa Haters Everywhere: "Yay."  
  
  
Squall: [...whatever]: "I will not let you have Quistis. Despite going through space, death and Time Compression for Rinoa, and despite the fact that, canonically, we're fated to be together, I still somehow manage to actually be madly in love with Quistis. We must fight... again... for no reason other than to appease the testosterone-driven fanboys who apparently wrote this script."  
  
  
[Cue the dramatic fight scene! It looks remarkably like Smith pilfered the opening credits, but hey, let's not point fingers.]  
  
  
Seifer: [one foot planted firmly on Squall's back!] "I have won! Therefore, Quistis is mine!"  
  
  
Quistis: "Despite the fact that I've been madly in love with Squall all my life and up until a second ago still wanted to murder Rinoa and jump his bones, due to the fact that you have just added a scar to his body I have gotten over him and fallen madly in love with you. Time check?"  
  
  
Miki: [clicks stopwatch] "That took you about 1.3 seconds."  
  
  
Quistis: "Really? I must be slowing down."  
  
  
Smith: "You're not treating this with the dignity it deserves."  
  
  
[anyhoo...]  
  
  
Akio: "So, how do you get your chicks?"  
  
  
Irvine: "I'm just a good old-fashioned loverboy."  
  
  
[author waits patiently for Quckysilver to finish her plagarism flame]  
  
  
Irvine: ^^v "My Galbadian accent, cowboy decor and suave charm make me irresistable! Well, that, plus I've got a handy supply of date rape drug that I keep in my boot. What about you?"  
  
  
Akio: "Interesting. I took a more subtle route: I'm the chairman of an academy full of young, impressionable young girls. That, and the fact that I am the |337est manipulator ever to walk the globe... or Ohtori Academy. And I sold my soul."  
  
  
Irvine: "To the devil?"  
  
  
Akio: "No, I am the devil. I sold it to Dios. She helps me out every now and then."  
  
  
Irvine: "A female, hmm? Maybe you can hook us up?"  
  
  
Akio: "I tried her. Not worth it. Besides, she's hanging with my sister now."  
  
  
Irvine: "Bummer."  
  
  
Xu: "And... exactly what purpose does this serve?"  
  
  
What, does everything I do need a purpose? I just figured that since Irvine and Akio were so much alike, they could enjoy some guy time together.  
  
  
Xu: "Yeah, right. You're an evil, sadistic, ego-heavy author. You have a secret plan. Spill."  
  
  
Well... now that you mention it... )  
  
  
Akio: "Speaking of selling souls, I just got a call from one of my demons, Smith. He's having trouble with an audit."  
  
  
Irvine: "Hey, wait a second... that sound familiar... I heard a rumor that he was behind that awful Saifuu lemon that got released at Garden."  
  
  
Akio: [eyebrow twitch] "Seifer, Fuujin AND Raijin? There are some things even *I* won't do, and that's one of them."  
  
  
Irvine: [fervently nods]  
  
  
Akio: "Anyway, apparently we need to hook up these two charachters. Want to come? We'll see how you do... you may have a future on PCP."  
  
  
Irvine: "Oh, you do drugs too?"  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Disclaimers!  
  
Not only do I still not own what I didn't own before, I'm now blatantly ripping off even more stuff! I don't own: Final Fantasy VIII, The Matrix, Men In Black, Star Trek, The Simpsons, Utena, Quckysilver's Dedication Line, and The Ever Wonderful Seiftis Forever Message Board, which, inadvertantly, provided me with the chiches. Suing and heckling is strictly prohibited! Reviews of all shapes and colors encouraged, except for those that are purple with orange spots. Click the button, exit stage right! Ja matta!  
  
Lyaka "No, I'm not on PCP, why do you ask?" ^^ 


	3. Dea ex Lyaka

o.O You're back for a third time?   
  
Last chapter! Akio takes matters into his own hands... literally! The long-silent hotdog speaks! And we invoke the highest power in all of fanfiction... Hyne help us all!  
  
Seatbelts, everyone!  
  
--------------------------------  
The Poltically Correct Audit  
--------------------------------  
a Lyakahime ^^ production  
--------------------------------  
Dea ex Lyaka  
--------------------------------  
  
  
Immediately upon Akio's arrival, he had taken matters into his own hands.  
  
  
Quistis: [purring] "A little lower, Akio dear..."  
  
  
Xu: *cough*  
  
  
"Okay," Akio announced, rubbing his hands together (evilly). "Cliche number 9."  
  
  
Xu: "Is that anything like Mambo #9?"  
  
  
Irvine: [shaking his hips] "I like Maria, I like--"  
  
  
Xu: ( "SHIVA!"  
  
  
Shiva: "Is this going to take long? I was just making out with Ifrit..."  
  
  
Quistis started at the hotel room. "And... exactly what are we supposed to be doing here?"  
  
Akio sighed in a 'I'm-still-evil-but-getting-very-annoyed' way. "Look to your left," he said patiently. "What do you see?"  
  
Quistis looked. "A bed. Seifer laying on said bed. Seifer laying on said bed... wearing black silk pajamas."  
  
Akio nodded. "Yes, chiche number 8. Very good. Now, go lay down."  
  
Quistis gave him a Look. "I've had about enough of this," she announced, spinning on her heel.  
  
Only to be brought up short by the sight of Agent Burns, holding Rinoa in a headlock.  
  
Akio smirked. "Obey, or we kill your friend!"  
  
Quistis brushed past him. "And I care... why?"  
  
Burns looked down at Rinoa and blinked. "Is she always like this?"  
  
Rinoa shrugged as best as she could. "I think Ultimecia did something to her."  
  
Akio frowned. This was not going well. "Time for cliche number four," he decided. "Quistis!"  
  
She turned back. "What?"  
  
Akio held up a piece of paper that was eerily familiar. "Cooperate, and you'll get this back," he gloated at his own evilness.  
  
Quistis frowned suspiciously. "What is that?"  
  
Akio grinned (evilly). "Your Instructor's lisence."  
  
  
Quistis: [posing sexily on the bed] "So, Seifer..."  
  
  
Akio nodded in approval. "Now *that's* more like it. Seifer?"  
  
  
[a few minutes later, in the hallway...]  
  
  
Akio dusted his hands off. "Well, there you are," he announced in satisfaction. He grinned his 'I'm-too-sexy-grin'. "Never send an agent to do the devil's work."  
  
Burns nodded, taking notes as he worshipped his superior. Smith, however, looked mildly displeased. As this expression on him was equal to another man going homicidal, people took notice. "What's wrong?"  
  
Smith shook his head. "You've certainly accomplished *something*--"  
  
  
Quistis: [off-scene] "ooh, YES!"  
  
  
Smith coughed. "Um, yes. However, the point was not to get them in bed together."  
  
  
Akio: [puzzled] "It's not? What else is there?"  
  
  
Smith sighed. "Clearly, I will have to take care of this myself."  
  
"But sir," Agent Burns began, "If everything we've done up till now hasn't worked... what's left?"  
  
  
Smith: ) "There is... one last thing."  
  
  
Assembled charachters: [gasp of horror in unison] "You don't mean--!"  
  
  
Smith: ) "YES! The last resort of all fic authors! The ultimate device! Even MORE blatantly abusive of power than the plot contrivance!"  
  
  
Assembled charachters: o.O "You wouldn't!"  
  
  
Smith: ) "I would! Summon... the ending of the DEUX EX MACHINA!! Mwahahahahaha!"  
  
  
[...a hush falls over the crowd. Then there is a pause... and another pause... and more pausing... basically a big long pause going on.]  
  
  
Smith: [a-ano] "I said... summon the Deux ex Machina!"  
  
  
Lyaka: [files nails] "I don't help people who can't even tell my gender."  
  
  
Smith: ( "The title is traditional, I'll have you know."  
  
  
Quistis: @.@ "Oh, YES!"  
  
  
Irvine: "I'm kind of confused here... can someone fill me in?"  
  
  
Xu: [Instructor mode!] "'Deux ex Machina', literally 'The God of the Machine', is a classic example of a plot resolution. It deals with the type of climax in which--"  
  
  
Akio: ^_- "Oh, I know this one."  
  
  
Xu: [whacks Akio] "Hentai! The type of climax in which a deity comes down at the end of the story and basically forces a happy ending."  
  
  
Lyaka: "Right, well, not being a god or anything..."  
  
  
Akio: o.O "Did an author just admit to... not being omnipotent?"  
  
  
Irvine: o.O  
  
  
Quistis: o.O  
  
  
Seifer: o.O  
  
  
Burns: o.O  
  
  
Angelo: o.O  
  
  
Hot Dog: o.O  
  
  
Albino Moomba: o.O  
  
  
Smith: [sigh!] "Oh, very well. Summon... the ending of the DEA EX MACHINA!"  
  
  
Lyaka: [appearing] "Ah, much better."  
  
  
Akio blinked. "So... all you wanted was the female form."  
  
"Basically, yeah."  
  
He sighed, martyr-like. "So much for hoping I could become the Deus ex Fanfic."  
  
Lyaka clapped her hands. "Okay, clear the fic. Call makeup! Get the costume department in here! And somebody get me a harem!"  
  
  
[roughly an hour later...]  
  
  
Lyaka: [surrounded by shirtless bishies!] "Aaaand... ACTION!"  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Seifer stood against the wall of the grand ballroom. In one hand, he held a glass of champagne; in the other, he held tightly to the envelope that had been awarded him at the graduation ceremony. The reminder was enough to make him take another drink. He was a SeeD. At last.  
  
And tomorrow, he was leaving for his first mission.  
  
The thought drove him to regretfully deposit the rest of his alcohol in the trash instead of in his body. He had first picked it up to drive away the sense of unreality that seemed to be suffocating him. After everything, even taking into account his desperate longing to achieve this rank, the fact that he actually was wearing the uniform was enough to make him feel like he'd gotten lost in Time Compression again.  
  
He'd wanted to be a SeeD from the moment he first realized what SeeD was. But after Ultimecia, he'd had serious doubts that he could. He still couldn't accept that it was true.  
  
It was, he knew. And it was not all his own doing. He owed it more to the others. To his family-- yes, family-- who had accepted him back when he thought no one would. And especially to her.  
  
Quistis Trepe.  
  
Seifer started moving through the crowd, searching her out. He had to tell her that. He'd promised himself he would. Knowing how much he had hurt her before, when he slept through her classes, disparaged her teaching, and ultimately left ungraduated. Now he was a SeeD, and he could make up for that. If he told her now that her teaching really had made a difference, she would believe him. He owed her that. She deserved much more, but the only things he had in life was his family-- /family/-- and SeeD. He owed at least one of those mainly to her, and she was an inextricable part of the other.  
  
He saw her at last, doing what he had been doing until a moment before: standing against the wall, drinking. He supposed this sitation had to be at least as unreal for she as for him. Her last student, finally graduating. Her greatest failure had become, at last, one of her greatest successes.  
  
Quistis looked up at his approach and smiled. It was a full, happy smile, of the kind that had been appearing on her face more and more frequently after his return. He liked to think he had seen more of them than anyone else. Not all the time they had spent together had been used for teaching. Some had just been for talking, getting reacquainted. And through that deepening friendship, they had helped each other over some rough spots. He had helped her learn to be happy for Squall. And she had helped him forget Rinoa.  
  
Part of him already knew why. He strongly suspected part of her did, as well.  
  
"Quistis," he greeted. Her name came reflexively to his lips now, although it had taken nearly a month to break himself completely of the habit of calling her "Instructor" or "Trepe". Despite her help in his graduation, she had chosen not to regain her lisence.   
  
"Hello, Seifer," she replied, setting down her nearly empty glass. "How does it feel to be a SeeD at last?"  
  
"I'm not quite sure yet," he admitted. "It's all so surreal."  
  
"Give it a little time," she advised with a small laugh.  
  
"I wanted to thank you," Seifer added. "For everything. You got me this far. Quistis, you really were a wonderful instructor. I hope you know that. I hope you didn't let me make you forget that."  
  
She looked away. "There were times when I doubted it," she admitted ruefully. "But then we would fight you, and you managed to hold your own against three of us for some time on all four occasions. That in itself is rather a tribute to my teaching."  
  
It was Seifer's turn to smile. "Quite true." Behind them, the orchestra turned pages in preparation for their next song. "Would you care to dance?"  
  
Her eyes laughed. "*Can* you dance? The last time I was at one of these Squall stepped on my feet about ten times."  
  
He laughed outright. "C'mon, Quistis," he took her hand. "We'll dance so well his eyes will turn green."  
  
The music began again. It was a pretty piece, flowing and lively, not really a fast song but definitly not a slow song either. For the first minute or two they simply danced.  
  
The music changed, entering the second movement, becoming softer and more languid. The dancing couples moved closer together. Quistis didn't know this part of the piece as well and leaned rather more on Seifer. He certainly didn't mind.  
  
When the song was done, he led her gently out onto the balcony. Other couples were clustered out there as well, gazing either at the stars or into each other's eyes.  
  
Quistis looked down, at the sea, and seemed for a moment to be lost in a silent communication with the waves. Seifer was content to watch her. In the past few months he had dealt with his growing awareness of the woman beside him. Finally he admitted to himself that he was thinking of her less as a sister and more as a desirable woman.  
  
She looked up from her introspection and her eyes caught his. Moonlight pooled in the blue depths; starlight glinted on her pale skin. She looked almost transluscent in the night. He reached out, reassuring himself she was real, and tentatively wrapped an arm around her.  
  
Quistis smiled up at him, not protesting the touch. She had seen this coming from the last time she had cried on his shoulder over Squall. She had realized, after that, why she was no longer inclined to weep when she saw the two together.  
  
He looked down at her. Jade eyes caught and held moonstone.  
  
Under the starlight, they kissed.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Lyaka: [sniff sniff] "Isn't that a beautiful ending?"  
  
  
Xu: "If you hadn't just spoiled it..."  
  
  
Akio: "I still don't get it. What is this 'love' thing that you claim is better than sex?"  
  
  
Irvine: [scratches head] "Y'know, now that I think about it, Selphie's been asking me about it recently..."  
  
  
Smith: [satisfied smile] "My work here is done."  
  
  
Lyaka: ( "YOUR work?"  
  
  
Ruri: --;; "Baka baka, minna baka."  
  
  
  
THE END!  
  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
What? You're still here?  
The fic's over. Go home.  
  
  
Oh yes: I don't have anything.  
Including the money to pay for your psychiatric bills.  
  
  
Have a nice day!  
Review me!  
  
  
- Lyaka ^^ 


End file.
